IT CAN BE PAINFUL TO BE SINGLE

When people say, “I am single” It carries different weights to different people. The truth is that you may never know the value of the word until you have experienced the pains that come with it especially when you are fast approaching your thirties and there is no guy coming who looks like it. When the comments about your readiness and suitability for being a wife seem to be so much and yet there is nobody coming to pop up the question.

You can be beautiful and still be single at 30. You can be famous and still end up an elderly single lady. You can be very spiritual, serving so well in the church, faithful beyond the average sister, well established in life and still be single when all your friends are married. You can be loved by all and still be single. Worst of it all is that you can be married and still be single. It is so painful to be so popular and yet nobody (worthy of being a partner) ever walks up to you to say , “I want you” or “I’ld like to marry you”. How frustrating it gets when you have to be the one making passes as a lady, when those you love seem to be looking the other way. People can make beautiful comments about you, your dressing, your character, your love for God and yet none of them will ever walk up to you to make a marriage proposal. Its amazing how these things happen but believe me, they do.

Every birthday brings a fresh wave of sorrows. You seem to be tired of the yearly prophecies. Every year someone will say, “By this time next year…”. Year after year, wedding after wedding, you get lonelier and lonelier as you continue to loose friends since there is no more common ground for all former interactions (levels have changed). It is painful when you always have to take yourself out for a treat and even though you are an all made career person, having all you need, you still wish you had someone to rest your shoulder on and call your own.

Singleness is the dread of every lady in a relationship. She would rather do anything to protect that courtship that is close to marriage than go back in to the world of the single and searching, most especially when age is ticking very fast against her. The death of a “about to wed” brother or husband has sent so many to the psychiatric hospital talk-less of dangerous heart breakers who lead on a lady till she has lost any thoughts of an alternative and then smash her heart in to pieces while they go ahead, marrying another lady and raising their own children. See! This thing is a serious matter.

Singleness has populated hospitals, it has populated mortuaries with people committing suicide, it has led to so much psychological imbalance that even some who are not obviously mad are not really sane as well. Its amazing what an heartbreak can do. The guy walks away clean and neat, leaving behind a completely damaged lady for another man to probably pick up. Of course, the probability reduces with time and age for the lady. Sometimes, he has led her to committing so much abortions till her womb has become ruptured, then he disappears into thin air, in pursuit of a fresh angel.

Singleness has populated the streets with so many ageing broken hearts we call harlots who would rather trade the remaining little value of that body for some little love and dollars before it rots to the earth. Singleness is no joke! Singleness, when it is advanced, rolls in a hot battle of masturbation for those who desire to live right and not give in to the evil alternative of immoral living and looseness. The body says, “Okay, since you wont express yourself with any man then at least express this fire with yourself” Many easily get trapped here, doing all sorts and manners of amazing gymnastics with their sexual organs, just to catch the feel or at least to feel the fun. Unfortunately, masturbation can be a worse alternative to fornication as it seems closer to a demonic activity and can actually involve conjuring spirits. Only God knows how many ladies have quietly turned to lesbianism as a result of continuous and a seemingly hopeless situation of singleness.

Singleness can get to a stage where everybody makes it a point of duty to beg God to find someone for you. Have you ever been questioned by parents, friends, family members and even church folks at the same time, all of them asking you “Why are you still single?” It even becomes more painful when opportunists who want to take advantage of the vacancy situation, start knocking your doors. How about when you have been bridesmaid for so many of your friends who are now mothers and yet you still don’t have a steady relationship going towards the altar? To be single can be painful, so painful as to make you shed tears in your closet. Many have burried such sorrows deep down their hearts and carefully concealed it with artificial smiles and the truth is: Someone is crying right now!

What are those things that could cause this? Over the years, having interacted with a number of ladies, I have come to realize that despite the fact that there are so many reasons only God can spell out (i.e there are cases of singleness that only God can explain), there are still a number of issues that cause these things that we can address:

IGNORANCE – Jesus also wept when He came to Jerusalem, bringing the salvation that they have long awaited for years, only to discover that they were unaware and completely ignorant of the timing, the person and the “how”. How amazing it is to discover that God had already visited so many of the ageing single sisters in the church today but how sad it is to know, that they were ignorant, unaware that it was the Lord at that time, It was the person and that was how God chose to do it. Alas! they said “NO” to the right man. Unfortunately waiting for another season might not be a palatable experience though it will still surely come (Hab.2:3). It is the duty of every daughter of zion to study God’s word and be sensitive to Him so as to know what He is doing for you per time and How He is doing it because God is a specialist in packaging the greatest gifts in the most unassuming and unlikely packages. Watch out! Luke 19:44, John 11:35

INDECISION – A double minded man is unstable in all his ways, Let not such a man think that he can obtain anything from the Lord (James 1:8). Indecision is what makes a lady to delay an answer to a proposal for too long, all in the name of ‘praying about it’. In the body of Christ, we have a good number of spirit filled, fervent and serious minded believers who have not yet made up their minds. They want God’s will, yet they want a well built, financially stable, not too dark complexioned, prayer band brother. What is that? Rather than simply receive the will of God, they have too many parameters that God must meet, otherwise His will is not their will. These brethren still have their own will and yet want God to make their own will, His will no matter what. How can this be? The bible concludes, “Let not such a man think… he can receive anything from God” not even a husband. If you want to pick a husband by yourself :– Go ahead (since you think you know what is best for you) and if you want the Lord to lead you :– Give Him a free hand, allow Him to bless you beyond your little understanding, but to stand in-between these two ways is worse than a mistake.

FOCUS ON THE WRONG THINGS – A husband is a spirit in a man (not a man) and not every man has itNot every man is a husband and not every husband is yours. You need to understand this! Complexion, body build, financial status, asset portfolio, facial looks and the type of surname, primarily has nothing to do with someone being your husband . When Adam saw Eve, He saw well, that was why He saw bone before flesh. He was seeing the invisible before the visible. Note that He said, “This is bone of my bones” before “flesh of my flesh”. The visible things are minor, they are secondary. This means that they only come to view after that which is unseen has influenced a decision. The Bible says it all, For those things which are seen are temporary! Stop all this cry about the masters degree he must hold, the facilities and the kind of job he must have, e.t.c. I have discovered that visible things can be recreated or adjusted e.g a black lady can become fair just like a fair lady can become charcoal black. Money can toosh up an ugly face, yes! money can adjust a face, it can point the nose, boost the breast, change clothes, e.t.c , a little persuasion can increase academic qualifications but how can you adjust the spirit of a man or redesign his destiny. I counsel you to see well and see right!

LUSTFUL DESIRE – Many have wasted so many years pursuing and managing a lustful relationship, only to find out that it is vanity. Unfortunately, by the time they realize it, time has gone and yet they are back to square ‘one’. When lust gives birth to a relationship, only lust can breastfeed that relationship. When you give in to a guy because of your intense sexual attraction to him, how can you possibly keep that relationship from fornication. Lust is not Love, in fact they are very far from each other. Love will say,”I don’t want to mess you up before our wedding”, Lust will say, “Lets do it now, seeing we are going to marry”. Waste no further time! Embrace self control – it is a fruit of God’s Spirit within His own!

HEALTH /DISABILITY FACTORS: Of course, the general submission is that nobody desires to marry a crippled, blind, maimed,…, disabled lady. Every mother warns her child not to go that way otherwise parental consent will be a tug of war. The result is this: Somewhere inside the heart of every disabled girl lies the quiet but strong hold that no guy would like to marry me this way . For some, its the fact that they have quietly agreed within themselves that it would be difficult for them to find a husband. Whereas we cannot blame the society or the mothers who insist that they would rather die than watch their son marry an SS or crippled lady with a disfigured physique, (forgetting that it was the mercy of God that has kept their own children from being that way, either by birth or by accident) we have more hope in addressing the issues from the perspective of the disabled lady herself. The Bible says, “As a man thinketh in his heart so he is”. It is okay if people look down on you and condemn you but it is a crime for you to do the same or think as such to yourself. Wether God heals you or not has nothing to do with His ability to give you a marriage with seamless joy. That genotype does not need to change for you to find your God given partner. All you have to do is to believe what God says about you and change the way you think about yourself because you will always become what you keep seeing as you. It’s just a matter of time. Lift up your head and allow the King of glory to come in with your man. Try God! No matter how dark the situation is, One thing is certain, it is impossible for you to hold on to Gods word and end up crashing in defeat. It has never happened and it will never happen! Though many years may pass by and time may tick away but in the end, He that is coming will surely come, otherwise the very word upon which heaven and earth were founded would have collapsed. It is not over with you until HE’s over.

OVERSPIRITUALITY: This is the way God does it! It must be like this! That is the way He did it for Sis Laide, bla, bla, bla… When you see people talk like this, they seem to know more than God himself. To them, If God must give them a husband, He must speak in a still small voice like He did to Elijah, He must show them a dream and above all, it must be a brother in their church, e.t.c.. May God forgive several pastors, leaders and fathers who have made several sisters loose their divine provision by stylishly blocking their vision away from God’s choice children who are outside their own church premises. Some pastors insist that “until I see the brother and undergo deliverance for him or take him through my own unique doctrine, you cannot say ”yes” (Eccl. 7:17 – 20). All these things have caused our churches to be filled with beautiful and godly sisters, unmarried at old age. In case you are locked up this way, probably you have found God’s will for your life outside your denomination’s walls, please seek the face of God for sincere direction because you may need to make a hard choice to move forward.The best of men of God are still men.

UNBELIEF: Lack of special beauty/sex appeal, Lack of social skills, Level of education,humble background, local, poor, uneducated, tribal marks or no tribal marks are not enough to debar you in marriage. The Bible says, “They shall not lack their mate in Zion”. You need to believe that God has a man for you. You need to have that confident assurance, the evidence of things hoped for that God is not just going to do it but that He has done it and would reveal it in beautiful time. Do you believe? It is through faith that the elders obtained. You need faith to obtain a husband from God. Have faith! Heb.11:2,6

CAUSES, SPELLS AND DEMONIC ACTIVITY: Indeed if you have not yet given your entire life to Christ, you are an easy prey to demonic activities and causes influencing singleness. Sometimes there are some unholy/devilish trends in a family e.g I have seen a family where none of the daughters got married till they died and they all died mysteriously and at a young age. Only Christ can truely save from the power of darkness. He is the bridge through which we are translated from darkness to light. I counsell you to turn over your life completely under His influence. You can do that right now in case you’ve not. Nevertheless, you can rise up and challenge the devil if you are a child of God because no matter who said, “the daughters in your family will never marry in their youth” Christ has delivered you from all causes by his becoming a cause for you(Gal.3:13). Rise up and charge at any demonic affiliations to singleness, if you perceive that any such thing is harassing you. Don’t just sit down and say “I have a spirit husband”, I didn’t see it in the bible (I’m afraid at the way this thing has suddenly become popular among God’s children to the extent that a Christian sister can open her mouth and say, “I have a spirit husband” and yet not a single case or something closer to it was mentioned in the entire ministry of both Jesus and all the Apostles), but in case you see it, take up your spiritual armour and deal with the monster. You don’t need any money sucking deliverance specialist but if you still feel it’s beyond you, then see your pastor.

PAST MISTAKES: Unfortunately the mistakes of the days of ignorance continue to hunt several years after. It has become an issue for some of our sisters who were once given to harlotry on a very popular scale to develop confidence in a forthcoming relationship, especially when they have experienced sudden fall outs from partners who were convinced by friends and neighbors that the lady they are going out with is still a whore. People continue to call you what they knew you to be several years ago. It takes God to clear this. Even if you had a child or children from a past relationship (out of wedlock), it does not hinder God from answering your cry for your own mate. There is a man for you that way who would love you and love your kids, you just have to believe it. Nevertheless the person with a past must believe first in her salvation. She must be convinced that indeed, old things are passed away and all things are become new. God will honour the faith of such a lady with a jaw breaking provision of a husband. Believe it!

PARENTS AND DECISION LORDING AGENTS: “Over my dead body will you marry a Yoruba man, Igbo man or Itsekiri”! I’m sure you’ve heard such statements from parents who rule their children without any recourse to God’s will as though they were the ones that created those children in the womb or designed their destinies. Unconsciously, they take over the place of God and make costly decisions that negate his will headlong,thereby frustrating God’s overall purpose in that life. So many of our single sisters have actually found their husbands but for these exalted principalities who would not just release their blessings until things go their own way. While some parents insist on arranging the husband, some general overseers also help God to do the fixing even when the poor sister is seeing someone else. As a result, many are stranded and thus the name of God is blasphemed among the heathen. If your parents are insisting on you against the will of God, rise up to hand over their case to God who has their hearts in His hands. Allow God to touch their hearts before giving in to them against Him. Remember that they are men and even the best of men of God are still men!

Lastly, some are single, not because of any of the above but simply because the divine time has not clocked. Gods time is not always in line with man’s time. John 9:2-3explains that God could just deliberately delay so as to make a generational monument out of your miracle. If only you can wait… May the Lord grant us the patience to wait while He is not ready to act (1 Sam.13: 8-10). Also, there are some who have received the gift of celibacy, some do not have any sexual tendencies or abilities nor do they sense the need for a man. As a matter of fact, there are some of our single sisters who are not believing God for a marriage (not because they gave up) but because they had already devoted their entire life to pursue a worthy cause for the kingdom of God e.g. Mary Slessor never married.

All these issues form the bedrock of many single cases. I beckon on all such, reading this article now to ask God for a second and fresh visitation, especially to those who have missed their previous chances. Do you notice any of the above in your life as a possible reason why you are still unusually single, please take time to pray about it, don’t give up on yourself no matter what your present age is, seek divine direction and have faith in God. Don’t be like Saul who turned back from waiting on God, just when his answer was already at the door. Let it not be that the man God has taken so much time to build for you will come at a time when you have just left where God chose to tie you down. Don’t go for an evil alternative. If you have waited this much, then allow God to prove the worth of that waiting time. It is not over with you until He is over! Suddenly you’ld find yourself in the hands of Mr. God-sent and your past misery will become irrelevant. Talk to God about your case today and allow Him to calm your fears. Please call any SOV helpline for further counsell. We care about you. God bless you.

Segun Coker